A perverse turn of events in Cornwall

You know how it is early in the evening in a trendy Cornish fishing village, streets lined with tempting quality restaurants, when you go with a scratchy-tired baby and arrive at the Shipwright public house instead?

Looking back the choice seems perverse, I don't know, maybe even perverted.

We should have fled when we saw the menu. Menus on laminated place mats are rarely an indication of imaginative, careful, dining on the horizon.

But as my travels so far have revealed, the quality of food on offer in a pub is not necessarily on a par with the quality of the beer, and so it proved at the Shipwright where I drank a pleasant pint of Doom Bar.

Doom Bar is one of the best beer names in the world; it also has unintended resonance in certain situations.

The pub, in St Ives, was selling itself as a place to eat with large signs inviting in the unwary, and the perverse, and it had big plastic menus on the tables, so it is only fair to judge it by its food too.

As I looked at my big plastic menu, I was ignored by all staff, whose only task in relation to food, it seemed, was to put numbers in a till and take your money (you could go and bugger off, for all they cared, was the impression I got), I chewed on this question: why is buying a plate of food such a problem in our pubs?

Surely this is a simple enough transaction: I pay you £8 for a burger and chips and you provide that advertised food, and here's the crucial bit, in a form which is undisgusting. Seems simple to me! In fact, I didn't go to chef university, but I serve tasty, cheap-ish food at home most nights of the week. But the cack I have been presented with pubs in the UK I would not serve to my family. They would think I had gone up the pole.

The reason, I suspect, that pubs, like the Shipwright, serve up such dismal grub is because they are far removed from the basics of kitchen life and the pleasures of cooking. The idea for the plastic menus, for instance, and the boring food, was probably farted out by a frownsome middle manager in an office at 3pm one bleak Wednesday, one dreak March day.

So this is the meat of the matter: my burger was tasteless, gristly, cheap and soggy. The bun that contained the flesh was sodden with the water used to wash the tasteless heap of salad by its side. The handful of chips were lifeless, tasteless, and, in fact, virtually pointless. My wife's 'prawn salad' was in fact five battered prawns and a bit of tasteless lettuce and two tasteless factory tomatoes. It was, all told, a disgraceful way to accompany a good pint of beer in a fairly unspoiled public house by a busy little harbour.

So much for that. It's not the end of the bleeding world, I hear you rumble. Indeed not.

But why go on about it? Why whinge? Well, with good reason, my friends, with good reason. Our pubs face terrible peril. They are going bust. I want the good ones to prosper. Some will prosper by selling good food, and if they can't manage that, and it takes effort and money to serve food well, then sticking to good old crisps, nuts and scratchings.

Maybe a sandwich.

Maybe a pickled egg. On festival days.

Please go to the North Country Inn (an incantation)

I can't expect you to respond,

But please go to the North Country Inn.

The pub has solid walls and wooden window frames.

Please go to the North Country Inn.

The staff are friendly and the beer is in a cask, if you want it.

Please go to the North Country Inn.

I ate a cheeseburger there - and chips.

Please go to the North Country Inn.

The cheeseburger was good and better than the mean filth served up in those fast food places that make so much money; you know: lifeless formica hellpits copied from US suburbs, where it's always sunny, at least in the movies, not like here.

Please go to the North Country Inn, instead.

I can't expect you to comply,

But please go to the North Country Inn.

The furniture is pubby, not trendy trash from retail sheds, without history and memories of drink digressions and nicotine.

Please go to the North Country Inn.

You won't feel like a cog in a businessman's feeding game.

Not at the North Country Inn.

In a world of plastic windowframes, there is hope.

In a world of designer bars half-designed badly by bad half-blind maniacs,

I can't expect you to respond.

Please go to the North Country Inn.

THE NORTH COUNTRY INN, MERMAID WALK, BARNSTAPLE

ADAM'S ALE RATING: 3 OUT OF 5

DRINK THIS: OTTER ALE

Hermit hoar, in solemn cell

Hermit hoar, in solemn cell,

Wearing out life's evening gray;

Strike thy bosom, Sage! and tell

What is bliss, and which the way?

Thus I spoke, and speaking sigh'd,

Scarce repress'd the starting tear,

When the hoary Sage replied,

"Come, my lad, and drink some beer."

Samuel Johnson

A fascinating story from the Journal this week...

THREE-quarters of Britain’s pub landlords believe the smoking ban has been bad for a business, according to a new survey.

Figures released by the industry show 74% of licensees surveyed reported the ban was bad for business. Some 47% have laid off staff as a direct result. But when the North Devon Journal asked licensees in North Devon the picture seemed to be mixed.

Caroline McAuley, who works at The Crown in Lynton said: “It hasn’t really affected us as we have quite a good outside area and covered area with heaters. Generally we have been quite lucky — and there are quite a lot of smokers in Lynton — it’s quite a smoky village.”

And at The George and Dragon in Fore Street, Ilfracombe, staff also feel that the ban hasn’t made much of a difference. Staff member Rosie Beecham said: “The same people still come in and we are a food-orientated pub — so maybe people prefer that there is no smoking. I’ve still got my job.”

At the Pack O’ Cards in Combe Martin landlady Debbie Batchelor said: “I can honestly say it hasn’t affected us much. We have a nice smoking area – and sometimes that’s busier than the pub, with more people outside than in here. But the government saying the smoking ban would bring more people out to the pubs is a load of baloney. There are no more people coming out than there ever were before.”

Shaun Musto, landlord of the Earl of Portsmouth in Chawleigh, has seen no effect since the ban came in. He said: “I don’t think smokers avoid coming to the pub because they can’t smoke. I think they’ve all just got used to it. This is a family-run pub so we’ve not had to lay off any staff and it hasn’t affected our profits in any way. I’m a smoker myself and I used to smoke around 15 a day. However, since the ban came in I’ve cut down to about three per night.”

Pete Robertson, landlord of the Clinton Arms in Frithelstock, only has one local who is a smoker. He said: “The ban hasn’t affected us in the slightest as we have always been a country pub that relies heavily on food, which is 75% of our income, to survive. However, a lot of pubs in the area have been affected and have closed down. Some drinking pubs in the area have been killed by the ban. Others are trying to become food pubs, have been employing new chefs and it has cost them. We have not really seen an increase in non-smokers. There have been niggles from a few people about the ban but others have said it is nice to come in.”

Dave Sawyer, landlord of the Black Horse in Torrington, does not feel the smoking ban has affected his trade. He said: “It does make it nicer for non-smokers who come here to eat. Before the ban people would come in and take one sniff and walk out again. About 25% of our regulars are smokers and they just go outside — we haven’t had anyone moaning about it. Our food itself has increased, so that could be more non-smokers coming in. But as far as I can make out we haven’t lost any of our customers because of the ban.”

Lisa Harley, manager of The Corner House in Barnstaple, agreed that the smoking ban had been bad for business. She said: “Most certainly it has affected the pub trade. Anybody would be lying to say it has not.” She said it had also had an impact on team nights because players had to go outside to smoke and it would hold up the game.

Jon Hutchings, landlord of the White Hart Hotel in Holsworthy, said: “It feels like the government is trying to get rid of community pubs. The smoking ban killed a lot of the real drinkers and if you don’t have an outdoor area like us as we are a town centre pub, it causes real problems. This is why we took part in the Proud of Pubs week to raise all these issues with our MP.” Lee Sycamore, landlord of the Olde Market Inn in Holsworthy, said: “Since the smoking ban, pubs have benefited from cleaner air and a healthier atmosphere, however, it has caused more problems than benefits.

“Some 24 pubs a week are closing nationally, and a large proportion of these have been credited to the smoking ban. Many pubs are unable to take necessary measures to accommodate the ruling, leading to no Smoking Areas for their patrons.

“The influx of non-smokers that the government promised has not happened, so most licensed premises have suffered a downturn in business. Saying this a small percentage of pubs have seen an upturn in trade, but this is due to hard work and great expense to try and cater for everyone.

“Good food and good beers at reasonable prices counts for quite a bit, but also outside areas for smoking, drinking and dinning. Social areas for people to meet up and have a quite chat, as well as other usual pub activities."

Lisa Horforth, landlady of The Windsor Arms, Bradiford, said the smoking ban had hit everyone “big time”. In particular they have lost their afternoon trade at the weekend because customers can no longer smoke inside while playing cards. And the new smoke-free atmosphere hasn’t gained them any new customers either.

Lucy Vane, landlady from the Appledore Inn in Bideford, said business has been affected but not dramatically. She said: “We have got a courtyard here that is used, so we are lucky. Most of our regulars are smokers and we have had to cut back on staff, but not by a lot.

“Some people just won’t come into pubs now because of the smoking ban, they just refuse. We don’t have any more non-smokers come into the pub and those who do and go outside and eat tend to moan because everyone in the courtyard is smoking around them. I don’t think it is all the smoking ban though, the credit crunch has also affected business, people are hard up at the moment and the price of beer has gone up and will do again because the breweries have just put their prices up.”

Graham Stone landlord of The Beaver Inn in Appledore believes that only 10% of his customers are smokers, but the ban has still had an effect. He said: “We do quite a bit of food here and that has deflected some of the problems of the smoking ban, but there has been a downturn in bar trade, although this hasn’t necessarily been compensated by the food sales.

“We introduced non-smoking to our restaurant a number of years before the ban came in and although some people moaned we felt the positive outweighed the negatives. We also invested quite heavily in air conditioning and ventilation and the investments were worthwhile at the time, but not required anymore. We haven’t had a noticeable increase in non-smokers coming in, but it is hard to compare with the weather.

"Although we haven’t had to get rid of staff yet, we are concerned for the winter. People have also been affected by the economy and with the silly prices the supermarket sell alcohol for. Some smokers are not going to come out on a wet day. Personally as a non-smoker I thought it wasn’t right to enforce this on public houses. I haven’t noticed any improvements in the atmosphere because of it, but perhaps there are health benefits to my staff and costumers.”

Paul Breese, landlord of the Tiverton Inn, South Molton, has also noticed a difference since the ban came in to force in 2007. He said it was now down to landlords to think on their feet. “The Wetherspoons chain is the best example of this. It’s gone from being the biggest wet sales pub in the country to increasing its food sales. Only a third of its business is drink now, whereas 12 to 18 months ago it was 75% of the business.” Mr Breese is also the landlord of the Snare and Gin Trap at Bishops Nympton and the Castle Inn at George Nympton. Although he was concerned for both, he said they have weathered the effects of the ban well. He said: “There’s no smoking shelter at the Snare and Gin Trap. People who want to smoke have to go outside with a brolly.”

This had led to him selling electronic cigarettes so people can get their nicotine hits that way. In the last three weeks he has sold 10 at the Tiverton Inn. Barbara Butcher, landlady of the Mitre Hotel in Witheridge, has definitely noticed a change behind the bar. She said: “Some people just don’t come to the pub anymore. We don’t have a covered area for smokers to shelter under so when they go out for a cigarette, come rain and wind, they have to brave the elements. I think it’s a combination of factors as well as the smoking ban. The weather hasn’t helped and what with the rising cost of alcohol and people having less money in their pockets, people just aren’t venturing out as much. Our bar takings are definitely down and if we didn’t have our food and bed and breakfast trade to rely on, we’d certainly be in trouble.”

Jane Morton, at the Coaching Inn, South Molton, said she could not decide if the smoking ban was a bad thing. She said trade at the pub and hotel has been stable although the clientele has changed. “We’ve had an increase in non-smokers using it. But we’ve been affected in other ways. We’re very much a food-led pub. Where people would stay for a cigarette and a dessert, they’re now going home so they can smoke. It’s a shorter dining experience. An after dinner coffee would often lead to another drink or two.”

But Ms Morton, who is in the process of buying the pub with her sister, said blaming the smoking ban on a lack of trade was perhaps too simplistic. “Our regular smokers, who might have come out on a Saturday night, are more likely to stay away. But cheap alcohol from supermarkets is also having a huge effect. In our case the core trade is holding firm.”

Ady Taylor, landlord of the Tally Ho! in Hatherleigh, said: “At the moment we are doing fine. We found it difficult in January/February time as although it usually goes quiet at that time of year, it was worse than usual — maybe because it was the first winter after the ban. But, strangely enough, we have done well throughout the summer and there has been no major drop in trade.

“We have a very smart smoking shelter at the back of the pub which we installed and it has made a difference. If we didn’t have it, we would not have half the people in the pub that we do. There are tough times ahead for everyone and the smoking ban has not helped. There is also the duty on beer and the rise in electricity which all contributes, but I am optimistic. We are lucky as we are quite stable and our food is doing well.”

I see joy at the Williams Arms

The boy is enjoying the first stage of a possibly-extreme love of swings. Other park fancies do not elicit even a glint of recognition, but tuck him into a swing and his eight-month-old being radiates with unparalleled joy. A pub with a good swing - even a bad swing - is good news in any right-minded citizen's mind.

So, we - grandparents, parents, boy, and dog - arrived as an early autumn sun was dying over Braunton; a sublime, crystal evening.

Yes, I drank a pint of Doom Bar (a popular Cornish ale, so apologies for this: I always think it can seem a bit thin, despite its lustrous, ruby-looking, depths).

Yes, I ate a pie containing beef AND sausages (don't ask).

Yes, I admired, Fred Dibnah-style, the neat thatch work.

Yes, the barman did seem a little melancholic.

But all that - beer, pie, sky, grumpy barman - was zilch compared to the boy's glowing delight on the swing in the glorious dusk.

Children improve public houses: discuss.

WILLIAMS ARMS, BRAUNTON, NORTH DEVON

ADAM'S ALE RATING: 7 OUT OF 10

DRINK THIS BEER: DOOM BAR, 4 PER CENT