INTERLUDE: Twitter

I'll be tweeting about beer and pubs, among other things, in a personal capacity, on Twitter and you can become a follower at http://twitter.com/ADAMWILSHAW

Gales, sewage, and a giant plastic shark - searching for pub nirvana in Bideford

A powerful tang of raw sewage was huffing about in the gale on Bideford quay as we got off the bus.

We were already bilious from sitting on the back row during the 40-minute journey from Barnstaple as the storm rocked the vehicle like a dinghy at sea.

There were bits of trees on the road, at least one road traffic accident, and a wintry sense of peril. The BBC news had hysterically told everybody to stay indoors. 

On the quay I guessed the heavy rain had caused a sewer to overflow somewhere nearby. Gagging, we pulled our coats over our noses and ran up a hill, searching for an inn with buxom serving wenches, log fires, and an old man abusing a squeezebox.

The rain-lashed streets were empty save for an occasional quartet of teenage boys who stared hard. They probably knew we weren't local. We marched on with a shared dim memory of a decent pub "over there" "near the pannier market".

When we found our destination, The Joiners Arms, it was closed and didn't look like it was going to open (see picture above).

Back downhill.

There were about a dozen punters in Lacey's. I asked for a pint of Firefly bitter and a middle-aged man barfly with the determined look of a man after a smile from a stranger by any means necessary said: "Where's it gone? Where's the firefly? Ha! It's gone! See - I got a smile, didn't I? Didn't I? Where's the firefly?".

We took our pints to a far table. My friend had a pint of Black Boar, a chewy stout. The Firefly was refreshing and light and typical of O'Hanlan's. There was a choice of Country Life Brewery ales on offer (Mr Lacey is Mr Country Life). Despite the exceptional range of beers, I found the place itself on the uncosy side - bright and cool like a European bar or a cafe at a large railway station. Nothing wrong with that but just in a different category to a certain type of traditional English pub. 

Our next stop was the best pub of the evening - The Kings Arms on the quay. As soon as we crossed the threshold we were welcome and cheered. Wood. Low ceilings. Beams. Tankards on hooks. Pictures of old boats. Tasselled lampshades. A snug. Conversations. A proper local. No buxom wenches, but you can't have everything on a platter like a fat old king.

My notes record my friend saying his pint of Grenville's Renown, made by the local Jollyboat Brewery, has "a bit of fragrance", and is "quite uplifting compared to the Black Boar. "It's giving me a new reason to live," he apparently then said.

My pint of Exmoor was crafted - velvety with a little bite - calmer and more quaffable than the stronger locally-ubiquitous bottled version.

We then made the courageous error of leaving the Kings Arms to see if there were any other good pubs nearby.

Moments later, stars were collapsing in unknown galaxies as the icecaps melted, and on far-off continents the future dreamweavers of humanity were being born. We, meanwhile, were in Crabby Dick's.

What else can you say about a public house with a giant plastic shark hanging nose-down from the ceiling?

Other threatening creatures became apparent as we took our pints to one of those tall tables with tall stools you get in fastfood takeaways.

The music was horrific tin clatter. There were no cask ales so I had something billed as Guinness and my unlucky pal had some sort of weird-tasting keg bitter. Both scoops were on the wrong side of the line of acceptability, but were just about drink-able, as are many time-wasting beverages.

There were a group of large bouncers on the door but we didn't see any bloodshed. Maybe we were too early.

Someone was nearby wearing a perfume that reminded me of something fatally medicinal...

My notebook records my thoughts in Crabby Dick's thus: "Plastic sharks. My Guinness like watered-down Marmite."

We threw ourselves back into the rainy night and tramped around, looking for ale nirvana. I noticed at least two welcoming little restaurants, which seemed to be busy, but no obvious signs of pubtopia. I bet the two Wetherspoon's pubs in Barnstaple were rammed to the rafters.

Our next potential port of call was dangerously near the squally sewage-scented quay, but bravely we pushed on.

We found Quigley's. We peered in the windows; empty. 10pm on a Friday night. Faintly demoralised, and slightly faint, we walked back up another hill. A string of lights twinkled romantically by the river.

In the shopping area we found the Heavitree Arms, which from the outside looked like an unspoiled, old-fashioned boozer. Could this be the hidden gem we desired on this odyssey?

The music was loud-ish, the ambiance was intangible and the beer tasted of pipe-cleaning disinfectant. We drank about three mouthfuls and left, too lazy to complain.

And that was our pub crawl. Sewage, a brilliant alehouse, a giant plastic shark, a closed boozer, an empty boozer. Beer that tasted like disinfectant. That all sounds a bit honest and realistic and, yes, true and fair.

The Kings Arms was good and it could be we just encountered Bideford on an off-night...

I do not claim we visited every single pub in the town. The Camra beer guide for 2010, which is fallible, recommends no pubs in Bideford.

As we waited at the dark wet bus-stop shortly after 11pm, again eyeballed by a scowling gang of boys, I was thinking that Bideford is a handsome and historically-fascinating town.

You should visit as soon as you can. Hopefully there is a splendid pub somewhere we missed. The good people of Bideford deserve nothing less.

Bideford Pub Crawl

Adam's Ale Rating: 1 out of 5 (the King's Arms deserves 4 out of 5)

Try This: The real ale in the King's Arms or Lacey's.

INTERLUDE: Nuggets from the local pub universe

ENGLISH PUB TURNED INTO AMERICAN THEMED BAR
A pub in Ilfracombe will be turned into an American-themed sports bar. The Queens Tardis Bar has been bought by Mike Khoo and will re-open on Saturday, December 19. Mr Khoo’s son-in-law, Jay O’Beirne, will manage the new pub. Jay said it would be renamed as Buddy’s Sports Bar, with a blue, red and white colour theme and grilled American food. I genuinely wish them well, but what's wrong with a proper old pub?

THIS IS WHAT PUB LANDLORDING IS ALL ABOUT
A pub landlord is doing a barrel run to raise money for South Molton Rugby Club. Paul Breese, of the Tiverton Inn, in East Street, will carry the 11 gallon barrel on Saturday, November 7, with a musical van and supporters. The run will start at 1.30pm from outside the inn, arriving at the rugby club for the start of Saturday’s game. As far as I know, the barrel will not be full of flaming tar but with pub landlords, you never know.

WHAT WILL THE FUTURE BRING FOR THIS 15TH CENTURY BOOZER?
A 15th century grade two listed Bideford pub is up for sale at £315,000. The Appledore Inn in Chingswell Street is a traditional "drinks-led" community pub that hosts regular quizzes and meat draws. I always think "meat draws" sounds like some kind of medieval torture: it's time for the meat draws for you, you errant lightbrain!

CELEBRITIES I'VE NEVER HEARD-OF HAVE GOOD TASTE IN PUBS AND BEER
A "celebrity" couple were believed be staying in North Devon, my newspaper tells me. Hornblower star Ioan Gruffudd and his actress wife Alice Evans, who appears in hit US series Lost, visited a pub in Mortehoe on Saturday and Sunday with their baby daughter, who was born in September. The couple enjoyed a drink in the Chichester Arms on Saturday and Mr Gruffudd asked staff for a recommended ale. Wise barman Jamie Archer said: “They were very polite and friendly. I recommended Proper Job, an ale from St Austell.” Mr Gruffudd and his wife returned to the pub on Sunday and enjoyed lunch. They reportedly asked to have a bar mat to take away as a memento. Cheeky. Welsh-born Mr Gruffudd, 36, stars as Mister Fantastic in The Fantastic Four and also portrayed Tony Blair in the George Bush biographical film W. Alice Evans, 38, is best known for the character Eloise Hawkings in Lost. I have absolutely no idea who these people are, but Proper Job is a sublime scoop of ale, so well done Jamie.

FILL YOUR BELLIES, FILL YOUR BOOTS, BUT £2.50 SEEMS A BIT TOO CHEAP, EH?
A Combe Martin pub has launched a "winter warmer menu" for people struggling in the recession, with meals on offer for £2.50. The Castle Inn gives people a choice of 11 different meals for just £2.50. The offer, which runs everyday between midday and 9pm and will last until April, also includes any pint of your choice for an added £2.50. Good for him - playing the Wetherspoon's at their own game. I only hope he can win this round.